Decisions are monumentally hard.
I am a horrible decision - maker.
I've decided to go to grad school. I got a scholarship and I've decided to go. I struggled long and hard with this. And even now, I wonder every day if I have made the right decision.
Going to school means leaving David, leaving family, leaving home, leaving friends.
I have lots of forces in my life and several of the main ones, parents included, are saying to me: stay here. it's what is right. Other influential forces are saying: No! Go!
I know in reality that neither of these sides/forces should make my decision, but it is hard to not hear them... it is hard to not wonder if God has put these people in my life and he is now speaking through them.
So many people say you have to get up and move, and go away from home, and leave... and grow. Honestly, I get frustrated with this. I dont think a person has to move away from home to grow up. I think that is not truth. People grow in different ways. I grew when I lost a friend to suicide. I grew when my daddy had cancer. And these things happened right here... at home.. Yes, some people move away to grow up... but that isn' t the case for everyone.
People say: do it even though it is hard. But part of me wonders if I am just doing it because it is hard... because i feel like people expect me to do something that is 'hard to do' and 'monumental.' But then i think...well, it would be hard to up and move to Africa next week... that doesn't mean i should do it. I shouldn't do something just because its hard and i think i have to do something 'hard.'
On the other hand... i think i will always wonder what would have happened had i gone...
But then my friend... always being the devil's adovcate, says: if you go,won't you always wonder what would happen if you had stayed?
I need to get myself away from these voices. I need to submit myself to Him and asks what he wants of me... but the hard, honest truth... is that i lack the faith that he will give me a straight answer. and if im not praying with faith behind my prayer, will i get an answer?
I think I know that I will go. It will be hard, and I will learn from it.
Things I can hold to: I have a God who is in control. I have a sweet and wonderful man walking by my side. I have a wonderfully supportive family.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Home
Tuesday was my daddy's birthday, and Monday marked the 30th anniversary of my parent's wedding.
I am so grateful for my family... for my parents and all they taught us... for my siblings and all the fun and companionship they have brought throughout my life.
Most people don't want to be at home... they would rather be out with friends. Not me. I would rather be with the family. We have so much fun together. I couldn't ask for a more incredible home. God blesses lots of people in lots of ways... but this is one way He has blessed me.
I love you fam.
Here is a pic (not great thanks to the lame self timer... ) from daddy's birthday. Amy is there in spirit.
Here are some other pics from things recently.
David and I got free tickets to the Media Preview party at the Musuem for the Terra Cotta Warrior exhbit. Here we are in our terra cotta masks.
A great night!
I am so grateful for my family... for my parents and all they taught us... for my siblings and all the fun and companionship they have brought throughout my life.
Most people don't want to be at home... they would rather be out with friends. Not me. I would rather be with the family. We have so much fun together. I couldn't ask for a more incredible home. God blesses lots of people in lots of ways... but this is one way He has blessed me.
I love you fam.
Here is a pic (not great thanks to the lame self timer... ) from daddy's birthday. Amy is there in spirit.
Here are some other pics from things recently.
David and I got free tickets to the Media Preview party at the Musuem for the Terra Cotta Warrior exhbit. Here we are in our terra cotta masks.
A great night!
And here is a pic from an Astros game recently. We attempted to have a triple date, but 2 of the significant others couldnt make it. At least we had 2/3s! We had a great time!!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Granny
My grandma would have been 89 years old yesterday.
I loved my grandma dearly. I always felt we had a special connection.
When I was really little, she would rock me to sleep in her big blue chair. She would chase me out of the kitchen when I went into to grab a pickle... no matter where she was in the house, she could hear her fridge open as we dove into it for one last pickle...
Her kitchen was HER spot... it wasn't big enough for anybody but her. If you got permission to
be in her kitchen, it was quite the privilege.
My favorite nook in her house was behind her big blue chair. A bookshelf, her chair, and an end table would form the perfect little spot behind her chair... and the bookshelf was full of great books, books we read over and over again, books we came to love.
I remember her room... Her closet held about every single color of high heel shoe. Every color imaginable! Being a little girl, looking in and seeing yellow, orange, and purple shoes... oh! It was very exciting.
I remember going to church with grandma. She had so many friends. I loved to meet her friends in her sunday school class. I came to love Hattie Belle and Lois Gray. I loved how social she was. I loved how important her friends were to her. I love to sit next to her in church and hear her sing... at the top of her lungs, loud, and not always on key (perhaps I got my lack of musical ability passed on from her...) but I know without a doubt that her singing was a sweet sound in His ear.
I remember the room that us girls would sleep in.. it used to be my mom's room. I remember the picture on the wall of Jesus walking up to the door and knocking... I loved this picture. I told her I loved it and I wanted it. I loved how the plants around the door formed the shape of a heart, and so this door symbolized the door to our heart. I loved how there was no doorknob on this door.... that it stood as a reminder that He would stand and knock, but that we had a responsibility to answer His call. Years later, when grandma had passed and we were going through her house, we took the picture off the wall, and my name was there. She had planned to give it to me all along.
I remember how grandma would talk so loudly... she told us that we should come up with a sign to do in public to let her know that she needed to talk a little more quietly. But then when we did this sign.... instead of lowering her volume, she would just explain it to the salesperson or waitress who was helping us, thereby completing negating the need or purpose of the secret sign in the first place!!!
I remember a trip to Blockbuster to rent a movie...everyone went in but us; we stayed in the car to chat. And we talked about boys, and I loved that we could talk about boys.
I remember her sleeping in my room when Austin was born. I remember she laid certain clothes out that she would wear to the hospital (a Glorieta sweatshirt and a pair of jeans... ). I remember waking up and those clothes being gone, knowing my sweet brother was on the way....
I remember a trip to Salado when we shared a hotel room... and she got very sick.
I remember a trip to spend the night with her in the hospital. I remember not being able to sleep that night at the hospital. Her breathing was so deep and so heavy and so slow. There was just enough time in between each breath to wonder if it had been her last. It never was her last... at least not that night...
I remember making a special trip up to the hospital to look her in the eyes, and tell her how much I loved her.... to be sure that she was sure of my love for her.
I loved my grandma dearly. I always felt we had a special connection.
When I was really little, she would rock me to sleep in her big blue chair. She would chase me out of the kitchen when I went into to grab a pickle... no matter where she was in the house, she could hear her fridge open as we dove into it for one last pickle...
Her kitchen was HER spot... it wasn't big enough for anybody but her. If you got permission to
be in her kitchen, it was quite the privilege.
My favorite nook in her house was behind her big blue chair. A bookshelf, her chair, and an end table would form the perfect little spot behind her chair... and the bookshelf was full of great books, books we read over and over again, books we came to love.
I remember her room... Her closet held about every single color of high heel shoe. Every color imaginable! Being a little girl, looking in and seeing yellow, orange, and purple shoes... oh! It was very exciting.
I remember going to church with grandma. She had so many friends. I loved to meet her friends in her sunday school class. I came to love Hattie Belle and Lois Gray. I loved how social she was. I loved how important her friends were to her. I love to sit next to her in church and hear her sing... at the top of her lungs, loud, and not always on key (perhaps I got my lack of musical ability passed on from her...) but I know without a doubt that her singing was a sweet sound in His ear.
I remember the room that us girls would sleep in.. it used to be my mom's room. I remember the picture on the wall of Jesus walking up to the door and knocking... I loved this picture. I told her I loved it and I wanted it. I loved how the plants around the door formed the shape of a heart, and so this door symbolized the door to our heart. I loved how there was no doorknob on this door.... that it stood as a reminder that He would stand and knock, but that we had a responsibility to answer His call. Years later, when grandma had passed and we were going through her house, we took the picture off the wall, and my name was there. She had planned to give it to me all along.
I remember how grandma would talk so loudly... she told us that we should come up with a sign to do in public to let her know that she needed to talk a little more quietly. But then when we did this sign.... instead of lowering her volume, she would just explain it to the salesperson or waitress who was helping us, thereby completing negating the need or purpose of the secret sign in the first place!!!
I remember a trip to Blockbuster to rent a movie...everyone went in but us; we stayed in the car to chat. And we talked about boys, and I loved that we could talk about boys.
I remember her sleeping in my room when Austin was born. I remember she laid certain clothes out that she would wear to the hospital (a Glorieta sweatshirt and a pair of jeans... ). I remember waking up and those clothes being gone, knowing my sweet brother was on the way....
I remember a trip to Salado when we shared a hotel room... and she got very sick.
I remember a trip to spend the night with her in the hospital. I remember not being able to sleep that night at the hospital. Her breathing was so deep and so heavy and so slow. There was just enough time in between each breath to wonder if it had been her last. It never was her last... at least not that night...
I remember making a special trip up to the hospital to look her in the eyes, and tell her how much I loved her.... to be sure that she was sure of my love for her.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
More on Reconciliation
I've been thinking more today on reconciliation.
In the earlier post, I came to the conclusion that we need to be more fully reconciled to God as we seek to be reconcilied to others. But how do we be reconciled to God? What is that first step that we take? It is easy to say that we need to take that first step, but what is it?
Is it a humble prayer of surrender: Lord I need your discernment.
Is it a turn to the Scriptures: Lord I want to love your word. Teach me to love it.
What is it? I'm guessing it begins with a prayer... an honest and vulnerable prayer to Him explaining our heart desire...
May He honor that simple and honest prayer.
In the earlier post, I came to the conclusion that we need to be more fully reconciled to God as we seek to be reconcilied to others. But how do we be reconciled to God? What is that first step that we take? It is easy to say that we need to take that first step, but what is it?
Is it a humble prayer of surrender: Lord I need your discernment.
Is it a turn to the Scriptures: Lord I want to love your word. Teach me to love it.
What is it? I'm guessing it begins with a prayer... an honest and vulnerable prayer to Him explaining our heart desire...
May He honor that simple and honest prayer.
The Ministry of Reconcilation
2 Corinthians 5:17 - 21
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
I looked up these verses at first with the mindset of being/not being reconciled with other people...but in my reading, what I really find this verse coming down to is this: our being reconciled to God. THE CALL IS TO US TO BE RECONCILED TO GOD!
So what happens if we aren't reconciled to others? Does this tell us that at the root of this dissension is our not being reconciled to God in the first place? Perhaps not always, but this is something we should think about. We are quick to hate tension and hurt with those we love, we want to place the blame, we want to jab someone, making them feel bad for what they've done, (but not too bad, or then we'll start to feel bad). It's a sick, crazy game. And what if, at the root of it, we aren't fully reconcilied to God? What do we need to do to become reconciled to God?
Charles Fredrick Akhed in his book "The Ministry of Reconciliation" says, "And the minstry of reconciliation does not end, it begins, when by conversion and avowal of faith in Christ the individual soul takes its first step back to God."
The message of reconciliation has been committed to us; it is in our hands. Sometimes, we can't deal with the people; we need to realize that they are beyond our control... and sometimes, it is just best to hand this all over to God, to take this first step back to God.
Mary Ann Fatula says, "Though it may meet with silence or rejection, forgiveness is always directed ultimately at the miracle of reconciliation. This means the desire, at least, to overcome bitterness and estrangement, and to unite again in a different way, on a deeper level of peace and acceptance. To be reconciled, therefore, means seeking to be related in love, yet not by simply repeating the past. It means to enter into an entirely new realm of understanding, of ourselves and of those forgiven, to see ourselves and them in a new way. By its very nature, reconciliation means committing ourselves to the hard and sometimes tortuous task of speaking and doing the truth in love. "
From this we can look at some of the thing that reconciliation involves: forgiveness, overcoming bitterness and estrangement, seeking peace and acceptance, and being related in love. These are just words without Him by our side. We cannot do these things and live them out without his help. We cannot undertake this task of reconcilation without His grace and Spirit leading us.
In our desire to be reconciled to others, we need to start by being reconciled to God. And in our attempt to be more fully reconciled to Him, we can pray and ask and seek that he would honor our attempt at reconciliation with others.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
I looked up these verses at first with the mindset of being/not being reconciled with other people...but in my reading, what I really find this verse coming down to is this: our being reconciled to God. THE CALL IS TO US TO BE RECONCILED TO GOD!
So what happens if we aren't reconciled to others? Does this tell us that at the root of this dissension is our not being reconciled to God in the first place? Perhaps not always, but this is something we should think about. We are quick to hate tension and hurt with those we love, we want to place the blame, we want to jab someone, making them feel bad for what they've done, (but not too bad, or then we'll start to feel bad). It's a sick, crazy game. And what if, at the root of it, we aren't fully reconcilied to God? What do we need to do to become reconciled to God?
Charles Fredrick Akhed in his book "The Ministry of Reconciliation" says, "And the minstry of reconciliation does not end, it begins, when by conversion and avowal of faith in Christ the individual soul takes its first step back to God."
The message of reconciliation has been committed to us; it is in our hands. Sometimes, we can't deal with the people; we need to realize that they are beyond our control... and sometimes, it is just best to hand this all over to God, to take this first step back to God.
Mary Ann Fatula says, "Though it may meet with silence or rejection, forgiveness is always directed ultimately at the miracle of reconciliation. This means the desire, at least, to overcome bitterness and estrangement, and to unite again in a different way, on a deeper level of peace and acceptance. To be reconciled, therefore, means seeking to be related in love, yet not by simply repeating the past. It means to enter into an entirely new realm of understanding, of ourselves and of those forgiven, to see ourselves and them in a new way. By its very nature, reconciliation means committing ourselves to the hard and sometimes tortuous task of speaking and doing the truth in love. "
From this we can look at some of the thing that reconciliation involves: forgiveness, overcoming bitterness and estrangement, seeking peace and acceptance, and being related in love. These are just words without Him by our side. We cannot do these things and live them out without his help. We cannot undertake this task of reconcilation without His grace and Spirit leading us.
In our desire to be reconciled to others, we need to start by being reconciled to God. And in our attempt to be more fully reconciled to Him, we can pray and ask and seek that he would honor our attempt at reconciliation with others.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Big To Do!
- finally get off that waiting list and secure my apt!
- organize so I can pack (last big thing to organize: scrapbook and craft supplies... they are a mess!)
- buy a kitchen table, desk and mattress
- need kitchen supplies?
-find a job!
- pick out paint colors. im thinking yellow for the living room and a greenish for my bedroom
- buy books and school supplies (yeah!!!! love this.. no sarcasm here)
- confirm registration/classes
- pray like crazy
-be prepared to miss him and them like crazy
-miss him and them like crazy
- organize so I can pack (last big thing to organize: scrapbook and craft supplies... they are a mess!)
- buy a kitchen table, desk and mattress
- need kitchen supplies?
-find a job!
- pick out paint colors. im thinking yellow for the living room and a greenish for my bedroom
- buy books and school supplies (yeah!!!! love this.. no sarcasm here)
- confirm registration/classes
- pray like crazy
-be prepared to miss him and them like crazy
-miss him and them like crazy
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Seven Months
Seven months ago TODAY, a bold, handsome, and good-to -the-core man took me out for coffee.
Our conversation was full of information, smiles, and laughter.
I remember some interesting characters walked past our table that day, but his eyes did not move from me. For whatever reason, they were fixed on me. This made me giddy, nervous, enthralled, and anxious all at the same time.
And then towards the end of that conversation his words came, slow but strong: "I like you."
Two months ago TODAY, my incredible sweet and wonderful boyfriend was out of town with me visiting a school. Past my tears and worries about an upcoming move for me, his words came again. Faster this time, perhaps more nervous: "I love you."
I like you, too.
And, I love you, too.
Our conversation was full of information, smiles, and laughter.
I remember some interesting characters walked past our table that day, but his eyes did not move from me. For whatever reason, they were fixed on me. This made me giddy, nervous, enthralled, and anxious all at the same time.
And then towards the end of that conversation his words came, slow but strong: "I like you."
Two months ago TODAY, my incredible sweet and wonderful boyfriend was out of town with me visiting a school. Past my tears and worries about an upcoming move for me, his words came again. Faster this time, perhaps more nervous: "I love you."
I like you, too.
And, I love you, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)