Uncertainty

more from 'In a pit with a lion on a snowy day' :

'embrace relational uncertainty. it's called romance. embrace spiritual uncertainty. it's called mystery. embrace occupational uncertainty. it's called destiny. embrace emotional uncertainty. it's called joy. embrace intellectual uncertainty. it's called revelation.' - mark batterson

i like these assertions.
relational uncertainty - everything about relationships can be uncertain, especially with the opposite sex. because it involves vulnerability, it involves uncertainty. yet, if you take that step, if you embrace that uncertainty, it's true. you find yourself in the midst of romance, and it's beautiful.

spiritual uncertainty - this one might be my favorite, simply because everything about YHWH, about his holy spirit is...mysterious. It's beyond what we can know, understand, and fathom. It is constantly being worked out in front of us, like little clues along the way. it is indeed a mystery. and we should be grateful that it is so.

occupational uncertainty - what is our calling? what is our destiny? what have we been 'predestined' for? what i like about this one is that it not only includes our vocation, our job, our employment status, but also the small, everyday details. the simple things - running into a certain person at a certain time, being in the right place at the right time, reading the right book at the right time, etc... it's destiny?

emotional uncertainty - to me this one is closely linked to relational uncertainty, because relationships involved our emotions. in our emotions, the good and bad (i believe that!), we can find joy. there is joy in the hard because we come to appreciate things more. we love better the next time because of the hurt that was there last time. we appreciate what we have now because we know what it was like without it. it's all uncertain. yet, it all has the capability to be worked for good, and thus, bring joy.

intellectual uncertainty - we are constantly learning, constantly in process. this steady inflow of new information is truly revelation. but what is revelation couldn't be, unless it was once uncertainty.

Lion Chasers

So I'm reading this book titled 'In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.' It talks about how oftentimes God puts us in what seems like impossible situations so that He can get more glory. Often, we are in situations that we feel are hopeless, and yet God turns them around for His good. The book's title comes from the story of Beneniah (2 Samuel???). Its a snowy day, and somehow he ends up fighting a lion in a pit. All odds are stacked against this guy, and yet he kills the lion; the lion doesn't kill him! Being stuck in a pit with a lion on a snowy day seems impossible and terrible. The author talks about how we often run from situations like this; we ask God to make things easy, painless. However, this author suggests, perhaps, we ought to start being more like lion chasers, embracing the difficult so that God can show up in a big way, getting lots of glory.

Not to throw myself a pity party, but I feel like life has been pretty hard lately. I've never felt more lost. I've been reading about vocation, how it's not something that you choose. Instead, it's something that God chooses you for. I don't know what He has chosen me for. I feel like I am interviewing and looking at a plethora of job opportunities and yet just feel at a loss. I don't know if I want to do any of these things. I'm doing my best to not just 'choose' a career... but to wait patiently for when HE 'chooses' me.

I've wondered lately if my hardships are because I have not been following God's will. Am I supposed to be moving, going to school, going to China? Am I not doing what He's called me to, and that's why I'm having such a hard time?
But the other part of me says, No, I'm doing the right thing by waiting. I don't want to make plans for myself just for the sake of making plans... Perhaps, I'm supposed to be waiting around, having a hard time, a broken heart... all of these terrible, hurtful, painful things happening, so that God can show up in a powerful way, getting lots of glory.
Which one is it? Am I supposed to sit here waiting? Or am I just making excuses and should be moving to go to school or something?
I want to do what's right. I really do. I want to do what brings honor to Him.
Give me wisdom. I want to do what's right. Show me, and I'll walk in that way.

grateful

i'm very grateful for my mom. in the midst of crazy hard things lately, she never stops caring for me, encouraging me, and praying for me.

she sent me this verse today in an email: Isaiah 43.18,19 "Forget the former things: do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

i'm grateful for this word from YHWH that she reminded me of. He is in the business of taking things and making them beautiful. Something that seems so terrible, so awful, He can use it for good. I remember when a good friend committed suicide several years ago. everything about that was awful. Yet, now, several years out, I can see how He took something so awful and made it into something that could be used for good. Looking back, i can see lessons we learned in the midst of grieving Paula.
I needed to be reminded of this. I need to hope (an assurance kind of hope...) and know and live that YHWH will use this time in my life for good. He says in Isaiah that new things are springing up. I need to trust that the former - the heartbreak, the hurt - are former things. i need to forget those and know that He will transform those things into something beautiful. I need to trust that.