Divine Heartbreak

I'm reading SexGod with my two good friends this summer. In this book, Rob Bell makes an incredible point - I've thought long and hard about what he said, and I find it utterly refreshing.

Over and over again we see in the Old Testament how Israel turns from God - they wander from Him; they doubt His ways; they complain to him - in short, they break His heart. Our God is so full of love for these people and yet they don't return it! And we see, over and over again, that God is 'grieved.' God is grieved! His heart breaks over the fact that His people do not wholeheartedly return His love.

This speaks to us in monumental ways. Heartbreak is universal. I seriously don't know anyone who has not had some degree of heartbreak. In our heartbreak, we are quick to ask why, quick to wonder why we have to walk through a hard patch of life, but who are we to ask for only the good times and never the bad? Even God walked through times of heartbreak!

I walked through a crazy time of heartbreak. It wasn't until months later, reading this chapter of SexGod, that the idea of divine heartbreak was introduced to me. Heartbreak is actually a divine characteristic! If I walked through all that I did, only to have a characteristic of our God revealed to me in a more real way, then it was worth it! This is huge - not only for me, but for anyone! because everyone has been through heartbreak. Even those who would claim that they have no relationship with Christ whatsoever, even those who are far from God, who think that He would not want to have anything to do with them.... even those people have walked through heartbreak. And perhaps, this mutual heartbreak is just what they need to understand that they are divinely created, divinely loved, and divinely being pursued! People who claim to have no way at all to relate to God actually have a very REAL way to relate. This is beautiful!

Our God is revealing Himself in an incredible way. We are seeing the compassion, love, and mercy of the living, breathing, active God in a very real and personal way!

Uncertainty

more from 'In a pit with a lion on a snowy day' :

'embrace relational uncertainty. it's called romance. embrace spiritual uncertainty. it's called mystery. embrace occupational uncertainty. it's called destiny. embrace emotional uncertainty. it's called joy. embrace intellectual uncertainty. it's called revelation.' - mark batterson

i like these assertions.
relational uncertainty - everything about relationships can be uncertain, especially with the opposite sex. because it involves vulnerability, it involves uncertainty. yet, if you take that step, if you embrace that uncertainty, it's true. you find yourself in the midst of romance, and it's beautiful.

spiritual uncertainty - this one might be my favorite, simply because everything about YHWH, about his holy spirit is...mysterious. It's beyond what we can know, understand, and fathom. It is constantly being worked out in front of us, like little clues along the way. it is indeed a mystery. and we should be grateful that it is so.

occupational uncertainty - what is our calling? what is our destiny? what have we been 'predestined' for? what i like about this one is that it not only includes our vocation, our job, our employment status, but also the small, everyday details. the simple things - running into a certain person at a certain time, being in the right place at the right time, reading the right book at the right time, etc... it's destiny?

emotional uncertainty - to me this one is closely linked to relational uncertainty, because relationships involved our emotions. in our emotions, the good and bad (i believe that!), we can find joy. there is joy in the hard because we come to appreciate things more. we love better the next time because of the hurt that was there last time. we appreciate what we have now because we know what it was like without it. it's all uncertain. yet, it all has the capability to be worked for good, and thus, bring joy.

intellectual uncertainty - we are constantly learning, constantly in process. this steady inflow of new information is truly revelation. but what is revelation couldn't be, unless it was once uncertainty.

Lion Chasers

So I'm reading this book titled 'In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.' It talks about how oftentimes God puts us in what seems like impossible situations so that He can get more glory. Often, we are in situations that we feel are hopeless, and yet God turns them around for His good. The book's title comes from the story of Beneniah (2 Samuel???). Its a snowy day, and somehow he ends up fighting a lion in a pit. All odds are stacked against this guy, and yet he kills the lion; the lion doesn't kill him! Being stuck in a pit with a lion on a snowy day seems impossible and terrible. The author talks about how we often run from situations like this; we ask God to make things easy, painless. However, this author suggests, perhaps, we ought to start being more like lion chasers, embracing the difficult so that God can show up in a big way, getting lots of glory.

Not to throw myself a pity party, but I feel like life has been pretty hard lately. I've never felt more lost. I've been reading about vocation, how it's not something that you choose. Instead, it's something that God chooses you for. I don't know what He has chosen me for. I feel like I am interviewing and looking at a plethora of job opportunities and yet just feel at a loss. I don't know if I want to do any of these things. I'm doing my best to not just 'choose' a career... but to wait patiently for when HE 'chooses' me.

I've wondered lately if my hardships are because I have not been following God's will. Am I supposed to be moving, going to school, going to China? Am I not doing what He's called me to, and that's why I'm having such a hard time?
But the other part of me says, No, I'm doing the right thing by waiting. I don't want to make plans for myself just for the sake of making plans... Perhaps, I'm supposed to be waiting around, having a hard time, a broken heart... all of these terrible, hurtful, painful things happening, so that God can show up in a powerful way, getting lots of glory.
Which one is it? Am I supposed to sit here waiting? Or am I just making excuses and should be moving to go to school or something?
I want to do what's right. I really do. I want to do what brings honor to Him.
Give me wisdom. I want to do what's right. Show me, and I'll walk in that way.

grateful

i'm very grateful for my mom. in the midst of crazy hard things lately, she never stops caring for me, encouraging me, and praying for me.

she sent me this verse today in an email: Isaiah 43.18,19 "Forget the former things: do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

i'm grateful for this word from YHWH that she reminded me of. He is in the business of taking things and making them beautiful. Something that seems so terrible, so awful, He can use it for good. I remember when a good friend committed suicide several years ago. everything about that was awful. Yet, now, several years out, I can see how He took something so awful and made it into something that could be used for good. Looking back, i can see lessons we learned in the midst of grieving Paula.
I needed to be reminded of this. I need to hope (an assurance kind of hope...) and know and live that YHWH will use this time in my life for good. He says in Isaiah that new things are springing up. I need to trust that the former - the heartbreak, the hurt - are former things. i need to forget those and know that He will transform those things into something beautiful. I need to trust that.

learning to be redeemed....

I read this quote about how we were made for the eternal, how we long for it, and when we hurt, its usually because something changed or didn't last. I've been thinking about how true that is... I want things that won't change and won't end... but the only thing that can be that for me is Jesus. and so I guess it's made me grateful (even more so) for Him.
I have a friend upset with me. She wrote me a letter telling me I have pulled back; I haven't been a friend to her lately. I haven't allowed her to be a friend to me. I didn't mean to hurt her. I hate that it happened. but its made me realize that not only the world we live in is broken, but I'm broken too.
I think I'm pretty good at hoping things/seeing things for people and for situations, and when it doesn't happen, or we fall short of what can be, I feel so burdened. I needed a wake up call that I'm not Savior. Does that make sense at all? I guess it seems pretty obvious but I needed to learn it.
and through thinking about this, I feel forgiveness with someone who hurt me. I've heard this person's heart and I know that it doesn't like brokenness anymore than the next person. We are all broken. we all long for the eternal, but until then...we aren't ....we are learning to live in the brokenness, learning to be redeemed...

reflections in preparation for china

We sat quietly, divided into groups of two or three; we were going to pray over the maps. The maps, representative of each country we would be going to, were spread out over the room. We were to pray for the people of that country, and for those in our youth group who would go to that particular location. Though I was wanting to go on the Russia trip, I was put in the group that prayed for China. Little did I know, that time of prayer was to change my life. Sitting there, my eyes scanning the vast country that is China, God changed my heart. That Friday evening, six years ago, God put China on my heart, and it has been there ever since.

Flying to China for the first time was very surreal. I knew it was happening, but I couldn't fully grasp what it meant for my life (I'm not even sure I can fully grasp it now!) I remember going through complete culture shock. Being surrounded by Chinese voices was overwhelming, and a bit frustrating. Landing in the airport, I remember being frightened about the Bibles in my suitcase. Was I allowed to have those? We were going to be kicked out before our journey even began? My eyes glanced ahead in the airport; we were walking towards this wall that said "CUSTOMS" in big letters. I was just sure we were to be stopped. But as if He was parting the Red Sea, we walked right through. No one stopped us; we were in!

I was excited by all that I saw in China but the most joyous experience on my trip was meeting Li Fe. We had arrived at the orphanage that morning, and the workers were taking us around room to room. We stopped in a classroom where a group of children sat peeling garlic. One young girl, looked up, gripping me with her eyes, and all of a sudden, I felt so comfortable. Looking in that Li Fe's eyes, I felt more at home in China that I ever thought that I could. Though we couldn't speak the same language, we soon become fast friends. We live on opposite sides of the world, we speak different languages, and yet, we've been united and re-united 3 times! Only our God could orchestrate something as amazing as this. Though I rarely see Li Fe, I feel confident that she feels loved, and that's what's most important. Our going there in the first place, and then continuing to go back, shows a steadfast love for her. Li Fe is loved by her God in this way. I feel humbled that He would use me to help show her that.

I read a book once about a group of Chinese students who, years ago, prayed over a map of China. During their time of prayer, God called several of them to the XianXiang province. When I read this, I got a glimpse (just a glimpse!) of God's overarching and magnificent plan. His plan isn't just about the youth group and where they will go. His plan is bigger than that. Reaching these nations is something He has been doing since the beginning of time in ways that we cannot imagine. For whatever reason (certainly it's not because we are worthy....), He's asked us to participate. He's asked us to join the movement. He's asked us to love people.

Each trip I've taken to China has been special, but there was something unique about the first one. I remember waking up in China one morning, amazed at the fact that I had friends in 5 different countries at that time. That's not something that happens everyday! Only our God, in His majesty, could have so intricately worked out such a plan.... to Him be the glory!

"Surely you will summon nations you know not, and nations that do not know you will hasten to you, because of the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, for he has endowed you with splendor." Isaiah 55.5