Ugh

Decisions are monumentally hard.
I am a horrible decision - maker.

I've decided to go to grad school. I got a scholarship and I've decided to go. I struggled long and hard with this. And even now, I wonder every day if I have made the right decision.

Going to school means leaving David, leaving family, leaving home, leaving friends.

I have lots of forces in my life and several of the main ones, parents included, are saying to me: stay here. it's what is right. Other influential forces are saying: No! Go!

I know in reality that neither of these sides/forces should make my decision, but it is hard to not hear them... it is hard to not wonder if God has put these people in my life and he is now speaking through them.

So many people say you have to get up and move, and go away from home, and leave... and grow. Honestly, I get frustrated with this. I dont think a person has to move away from home to grow up. I think that is not truth. People grow in different ways. I grew when I lost a friend to suicide. I grew when my daddy had cancer. And these things happened right here... at home.. Yes, some people move away to grow up... but that isn' t the case for everyone.

People say: do it even though it is hard. But part of me wonders if I am just doing it because it is hard... because i feel like people expect me to do something that is 'hard to do' and 'monumental.' But then i think...well, it would be hard to up and move to Africa next week... that doesn't mean i should do it. I shouldn't do something just because its hard and i think i have to do something 'hard.'

On the other hand... i think i will always wonder what would have happened had i gone...
But then my friend... always being the devil's adovcate, says: if you go,won't you always wonder what would happen if you had stayed?

I need to get myself away from these voices. I need to submit myself to Him and asks what he wants of me... but the hard, honest truth... is that i lack the faith that he will give me a straight answer. and if im not praying with faith behind my prayer, will i get an answer?

I think I know that I will go. It will be hard, and I will learn from it.

Things I can hold to: I have a God who is in control. I have a sweet and wonderful man walking by my side. I have a wonderfully supportive family.